When The Silence Almost Deafens You

There have been times in my life when if you had spoken with me you would have never guessed that the verbose girl would one day fall silent and that silence would last for far too long.  Looking back into the past is difficult because I find it shameful – I don’t think that will ever really change.  But that is as it should be. So to begin let me take you back 10 years.

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It was not always this way I remembered as I drift in my thoughts.  It’s 4.00 am and I’m sitting in a dimly lit room surrounded by photographs of people who I don’t speak to.  I stare at their faces and try to read their expressions as if I’d never seen the picture before.  But I have and there are no changes just the same eyes and smiles as there are every night.

I want them to speak or even change position so I no longer feel so alone, surrounded by moments frozen in time, much as I have been.  Frozen words, frozen heart, everything locked down and shuttered.  When did I become so afraid of life, when did I become so scared that I’m prepared to have those I love despise me as selfish and unloving than admit that the world had become too large or was it I that had shrunk.

The anger begins to rise in chest as I consider how much I must be hurting others and with it comes the slow sound of a heartbeat returning slowly to life. So I say to my self today, when it is morning I’ll call and I’ll tell them how much I’ve missed them, how desperately I want to hear their voice and see their face in the flesh not just captured on a frame of film.  But the silence roars back at me, deafening me wrapping my heart and my voice in its cocoon and I think tomorrow – I will do it tomorrow.  But tomorrow never comes and even as I move out of the hell I had consigned myself too I am too ashamed to explain why I left.  I let the years roll by some part of me still locked in silence, how do you ask for forgiveness when  you can’t forgive yourself and again I cloak that thought in silence.

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