When The Silence Almost Deafens You


There have been times in my life when if you had spoken with me you would have never guessed that the verbose girl would one day fall silent and that silence would last for far too long.  Looking back into the past is difficult because I find it shameful – I don’t think that will ever really change.  But that is as it should be. So to begin let me take you back 10 years.


It was not always this way I remembered as I drift in my thoughts.  It’s 4.00 am and I’m sitting in a dimly lit room surrounded by photographs of people who I don’t speak to.  I stare at their faces and try to read their expressions as if I’d never seen the picture before.  But I have and there are no changes just the same eyes and smiles as there are every night.

I want them to speak or even change position so I no longer feel so alone, surrounded by moments frozen in time, much as I have been.  Frozen words, frozen heart, everything locked down and shuttered.  When did I become so afraid of life, when did I become so scared that I’m prepared to have those I love despise me as selfish and unloving than admit that the world had become too large or was it I that had shrunk.

The anger begins to rise in chest as I consider how much I must be hurting others and with it comes the slow sound of a heartbeat returning slowly to life. So I say to my self today, when it is morning I’ll call and I’ll tell them how much I’ve missed them, how desperately I want to hear their voice and see their face in the flesh not just captured on a frame of film.  But the silence roars back at me, deafening me wrapping my heart and my voice in its cocoon and I think tomorrow – I will do it tomorrow.  But tomorrow never comes and even as I move out of the hell I had consigned myself too I am too ashamed to explain why I left.  I let the years roll by some part of me still locked in silence, how do you ask for forgiveness when  you can’t forgive yourself and again I cloak that thought in silence.

Weekly Writing Challenge

30 thoughts on “When The Silence Almost Deafens You

    • I finally realized that the first step, even just thinking about the first step is the hard part. Once you take that chance you’re on a path you just have to keep moving forward one step at a time. Sounds easy – in truth not so much but it does get easier.

      Like

  1. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: Sounds of Silence | Reflections and Nightmares- Irene A Waters (writer and memoirist)

  2. Pingback: HOW DOES SILENCE SOUND? | SERENDIPITY

  3. Pingback: A moment in Paris | The Bohemian Rock Star's "Untitled Project"

  4. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: The Sound of Silence | A mom's blog

  5. Pingback: litadoolan

  6. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: The Sound of Silence | tnkerr-Writing Prompts and Practice

  7. Pingback: Aborted Words | The Backwords

  8. Pingback: Brady’s Silence (explicit) | Stories From My Mind

  9. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: The Sound of Silence | To Breathe is to Write

  10. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: The Sound of Silence | The Wandering Poet

  11. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge – The Sound of Silence – 17 FEB 2014 | Joe's Musings

  12. Sadly, this happens to so many people, me included. I try consoling myself by saying that it doesn’t matter and that I’ll make other friends. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s hard, but now I try and take the first step. I’ll send a text or pick up the phone and see what they’re up to.

    I’m sure that even after this long gap, if you were to reach out to your friends the ones that feel the same way would reciprocate that longing. Sometimes we need an excuse to be the person we want to be.

    Like

    • I was lucky – so very lucky that about a year after that I met someone quite by accident who ended up changing everything – my husband. He gave me time and room to find out who the hell I was and what the hell I was doing and slowly bit by bit I emerged. In the last 18mths it took a rather bigger leap after a number of years of cautious contact with a select few and I started to really interact -be part of their lives and once again I was so very lucky – they wanted me back, they’d missed me and didn’t hate me at all. It it always so much harder inside your own head that it is in real life – I think we are crueler to ourselves and judge ourselves more harshly than most others ever would but I never would have figured that out if without taking the first step and I may have taken much much longer if someone hadn’t spilled coffee on me as he walked past 🙂

      Like

      • Regardless of the time it took, I’m glad you were able to reconnect. I agree, we start believing some strange things when it’s just us in our heads.

        And hey, your friendships are probably stronger because you were able to find each other again.

        Who says nothing good ever comes from spilt coffee?

        Like

      • Thanks – one of the great things about this medium is you get to know yourself even as you get to know others in the blogging world – it is very nice to E-meet you.

        Like

      • Wow, I’m blown away by this. I withdrew from life for about 14 years. I am slowly re-introducing myself. Tracking down old friends. People have moved on, but in the main, people are accepting. You are so right, we are more cruel to ourselves than the world is, it is much more difficult in our own heads than it actually is in reality. I’ve just found a gem and I’ll be coming back here for more.

        Like

      • I’m so glad to meet you and I do hope you find other things of value here at Unload and Unwind. I try to have a balance since, as we both know, concentrating too long on one topic is not conducive to a full life. So I have my Weekend Funny, Rants as well as some introspective pieces on myself and my journey. Thank you for joining me here and I look forward to getting to know you. Jenni 🙂

        Like

  13. Pingback: The Awkward Love Song of Abigail Archer [BOOK REVIEW] | Ramisa the Authoress

  14. Pingback: Letters from the Silence – 20th February, 2014 | Wired With Words

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s