Zombie Apocalypse or Flu?

Well it’s a fun packed weekend all round here in the land of Oz.  Apart from the fact that our PM has seen fit to ‘loose the dogs of war’ without actually explaining what the threat to Australia is to anyone there have been other, and to my mind, more important issues that came to a head over the last few days.  Let me explain and to do so you’ll have to take a little trip across the pond to my house here in Mackay.

It’s late and I’m tired as this summer cold [not the flu – I don’t care what my husband says – it’s NOT the flu ’cause the Flu would mean I’m sick not just off colour.] is dragging me down so I decide to have an early night.  Fast forward a few hours and I wake with a heavy ominous feeling in my chest and a whistling rattle fading away in my ears.  Frozen I listen carefully, someone is in the house!!!  I shake my husband and explain that I can hear someone breathing although it is muffled somehow, obviously they’re right outside the closed door!!!

Michael doesn’t seem impressed by my logic and rolls over to go back to sleep.  It is up to me to defend the home.  Arming myself with a hairbrush I creep slowly toward the bedroom door.  I must be more afraid that I realize as sweat trickles down my back and along my neck.

Waiting quietly I can hear the muffled breathing, it has an odd whistle like that of an old fashioned kettle and I wonder who or what waits on the other side of the door.  As I slowly relax the whistle fades away and I think now is the time to open the door, they’ve gone somewhere else in the house.  Slowly opening the door I creep out and catch a shadow moving out of the corner of my eye.

Leaping from the hallway into the bathroom, hairbrush raised I freeze at the soul destroying sight the meets my eyes.  Standing in my bathroom is none other than A ZOMBIE!!  Squealing in a manner reminiscent to a dying pig I leap away from this fearsome sight and as my heart pounds I hear again the odd little whistle.  Obviously it is the death rattle of the this creature waiting for me in the bathroom.

Turning, I immediately start ticking off the needs to be done on the Zombie Apocalypse survival plan when I run smack bang into Michael.  He said I’d scared him when I squealed [I vehemently denied the squealing but admitted to some possible mini screaming].

I wasted no time and spilled my story of waking to the ominous presence in the house, the whistling rattle that was all that remained of life in the Zombie waiting to devour us in the bathroom and then how I came face to face with the creature, barely escaping with my life.  Michael didn’t seem as impressed as I was with my recitation and asked me to describe said Zombie.

Oh it was truly horrible, under the bathroom lights it stood in front of me, pale as the moon with hair so wild you’d think Shirley Temple had stuck a finger in the light socket.  Dark shadows under it’s yellow eyes which were swollen and skin that looked clammy and flushed all at once.  Shaking I described this fearsome creature and was not impressed by the lack of fear Micheal seemed to have, in fact he seemed to be doing his best not to laugh out loud.  Getting cranky I said ‘You can’t tell me you don’t hear that noise it’s making‘.  To which he replied ‘Oh yes I can hear ……… IT” and then, then he giggled.  Obviously the fear had broken his mind but I refused to back down.

We would face this creature, I suggest going to get the hammer out of the tool drawer in the kitchen since in all good Zombie movies destroying the brain is the way to put an end to its rampage and I didn’t think my hairbrush would be up to the task.

Michael said he wanted to get a good look before deciding on weapons and even asked if I’d give him the hairbrush because [and this made no sense] he’d make less of a mess.  Creeping forward again we both heard the breathy rattle and this time Michael did look a little upset, mumbling we’ll have to do something about that soon as we approached the bathroom door.

Slowly raising my hand to the door knob I looked over my shoulder to make sure he was ready with the hair brush.  Seeing him wave it at me I opened the door and leapt into the bathroom.

There, there, Oh those yellow eyes ….. get it Michael get it!!!  Turning around I saw him looking into the mirror, the zombie stood beside him but when I turned there was no Zombie in the bathroom.  Darn I didn’t know Zombies were the opposite of Vampires.  Vamps have no reflection but obviously Zombies have a reflection but little else.

Michael suggested I wave at the Zombie, a little surprised and thinking he may need his medication looked at I humoured him and did so.  It was then, as the Zombie waved at me that I realized that the Zombie was wearing my PJ’s.  Damn when did I turn into a Zombie, do I have to eat brains now?  I don’t want to eat brains or human flesh, maybe I’m a broken Zombie.

Michael suggested that it was possible I was still human just a human with the Flu.  I’m not sure which I prefer actually but not giving in entirely I said ‘what about that noise, we both heard it’.  To which he replied that the noise I heard was ME and my chest was rattling like a babies toy and my breath whistling like a tea kettle.  So it seems, appearances aside, that there was no Zombie attack in Mackay last night and I have had to concede that the Summer Cold is actually the Flu, fun packed with fever and chills.  Know what – I think I’d actually prefer the Zombie Apocalypse to how I feel right now.  To end this on just the right note I think we’ll finish with a song from the Crypt Kickers, ‘Monster Mash’.