So many things in life are coloured by our beginnings. Be it good, bad or merely indifferent the lessons learned early in life leave a deep impression on our psyche and often colour our choices or perceptions without our even being aware. As we age do we evolve as people or simply become more of who we were raised to be? I’ve thought long and hard about some of the choices I have made and the regret that now colours my life even though, at this point in time, I am more content and at ease in my own skin than I have ever been. I’ve had to learn to consciously stop and think before making a decision or forming an opinion as to whether I am acting out of reflex, being triggered by stress or merely choosing what is right and good for me and those I care about.
Will I ever be able to fully break the bindings that others placed on my internal gauge? Will I always have to stop and consider just what it is that is prompting me to act, be it good or bad? I have the feeling that it is no, I’ll never be able to fully trust an initial reaction but maybe that is true for all of us as we grow in life. Perhaps part of life is that journey to find our own internal compass and to always question so long as the questioning does not overwhelm one into fear of any choice. Is it pride I wonder, always my besetting fault, that makes me so ruthless with myself now, so confident that I walk my own path.
Faith for some is the subjugation of questioning and placing trust in the teachings of a church or belief system and shamefully I can admit to myself now in the small hours of the night that I view those who do so with some contempt. So sure, so prideful in my thinking that it is best we direct our own path. That we take the lessons we have learned from others and ourselves over time. I begin to fear I may be missing some greater connection with the universe and for all my learning, lore and skill that there is something lacking in me.
My reluctance to be part of a whole rather than whole unto myself confuses me at time. Isn’t it right to reflect and consider, shouldn’t we seek to become fully who we are or is that surrender necessary to attain something that cannot be defined. These question colour my thoughts much these days and will continue to for some time I feel.
Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Colour
Unload and Unwind 
I truly enjoyed reading your post today. I will admit that the questions you are asking yourself have and continue to be a part of my life. Unfortunately, or, fortunately, I do believe you are correct in saying that the decisions we make as adults are sometimes based on what was instilled in us from the very beginning. I don’t think we can ever break completely free from that. I do believe we should seek to become fully who we are suppose to be. Whether we actually ever achieve that is to be seen. But I will admit that relying on the teachings of a church to have the answers for us is something I don’t believe in. It’s like you once stated(in one of my posts), it’s kind of a lazy way to go about life.
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I think it is the blind faith that bothers me the most – it goes against my nature and yet I see in some a certitude about life that makes me wonder from time to time. That is the crux really – could I ever not question things, would I want to even if I could and does the fact that my answer to those questions be No mean I am less because of it?
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It seems as though we are built quite the same in many ways. If I am correct, then I would find it quite difficult to not question things. I don’t think it there is anything wrong with that. I do believe it creates a deeper understanding about who we are, although maybe a greater confusion about the universe as a whole. That is why I believe the concept about blind faith is so questionable and confusing for people that tend to by nature question everything. I do believe in due time, we will find the answers we are searching for, although, by the time we have reached the answers, the questions or doubts might have changed.
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“So sure, so prideful in my thinking that it is best we direct our own path. ” I struggle with this question more and more as I get older. But I feel we have to question the things we simply believed as right and true naively, then stumbling upon what is and what is not.
Great post.
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Thanks
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Very deep Jenni. I myself have been making a conscious effort to pause and analyze my initial reactions before following through on them–to much benefit. Emotional intelligence is a difficult yet worthwhile skill to develop. As for faith, even those who claim not to have it, have faith in their own conclusions about its validity. Perhaps its not faith itself that fills you with contempt, but blind faith that clouds the possibility of justified belief of something greater than ourselves
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You’re right it is not the faith itself but the lack of questioning and the blind belief that makes me so very uncomfortable.
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Wow! Such a great post, concluding with such profound questions. I love that you are more comfortable in your skin as I think that is what is FINALLY starting to happen for me, or at least I am getting glimmerings of it. As far as “Surrender” (your word)- – I struggle so much with that concept because of my control issues and religion and faith (and even the 12 step program which I need in so many ways) seem to insist upon doing that. I think I will continue to ponder all of this for now. Hey, I’m only 50… 😉 what’s the rush?!!
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Good call – not as if I have to decide now what I think.
I find the concept of surrender terrifying as it is so utterly against my nature. Even with the ritual and meditation I approach with pleasure with the sure sense of self that I need so much after being adrift for so long. Maybe it is our lot to question in this life and on this plane trapped in the cycle of rebirth until we reach such understanding that releases us from the wheel and lets us become once more part of universe.
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Nice one. This reminds me of a poem by Albert Huffstickler that he wrote a few years before he died.
Don’t Ask The Angels How They Fly
Knowing there’s only so much time,
I don’t rejoice less but more.
Knowing how many things will now
not happen, I wish them Godspeed
and pass them on to someone
down the line. I honor my
regrets, the part of me that
never happened or happened wrong
and proceed on course though
the course is not known. Only
the end is known and some days
it’s a comfort. We live on
love, whether it’s there or
not and rejoice in it even in
its absence. If I had known,
I’d have come here better equipped –
but that’s another one of those
things you can’t change – as we
can’t alter that part of us
that lives on memory, knowing
all the while that time is not
real and that what we are we
never were in the light of that
timeless place where we really
belong, have belonged always.
And what’s left then is only
to bless it all in the light of
what we don’t and will never
know or at least not here where
the light is only a shadow of
that light we almost see sometimes –
that light that’s really home.
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Love the way you used ‘colour’ in this. Great post, Jen! Thanks very much for participating. 😀
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