So many things in life are coloured by our beginnings. Be it good, bad or merely indifferent the lessons learned early in life leave a deep impression on our psyche and often colour our choices or perceptions without our even being aware. As we age do we evolve as people or simply become more of who we were raised to be? I’ve thought long and hard about some of the choices I have made and the regret that now colours my life even though, at this point in time, I am more content and at ease in my own skin than I have ever been. I’ve had to learn to consciously stop and think before making a decision or forming an opinion as to whether I am acting out of reflex, being triggered by stress or merely choosing what is right and good for me and those I care about.
Will I ever be able to fully break the bindings that others placed on my internal gauge? Will I always have to stop and consider just what it is that is prompting me to act, be it good or bad? I have the feeling that it is no, I’ll never be able to fully trust an initial reaction but maybe that is true for all of us as we grow in life. Perhaps part of life is that journey to find our own internal compass and to always question so long as the questioning does not overwhelm one into fear of any choice. Is it pride I wonder, always my besetting fault, that makes me so ruthless with myself now, so confident that I walk my own path.
Faith for some is the subjugation of questioning and placing trust in the teachings of a church or belief system and shamefully I can admit to myself now in the small hours of the night that I view those who do so with some contempt. So sure, so prideful in my thinking that it is best we direct our own path. That we take the lessons we have learned from others and ourselves over time. I begin to fear I may be missing some greater connection with the universe and for all my learning, lore and skill that there is something lacking in me.
My reluctance to be part of a whole rather than whole unto myself confuses me at time. Isn’t it right to reflect and consider, shouldn’t we seek to become fully who we are or is that surrender necessary to attain something that cannot be defined. These question colour my thoughts much these days and will continue to for some time I feel.